hey all.
after months of dreaming and planning to go to kansas city art institute, and after being accepted and granted a scholarship and all that... i'm pretty sure i'm not going anymore. or at least for another year. honestly i just don't feel like i'd be able to succeed up there at this point in my life. i haven't worked hard at anything in so long and i just don't want to fuck up there and have to come back home and be a failure. right now i just feel so confused about who i am and what i've become that going there just doesn't seem realistic anymore.

and so... i'm going to live in fayetteville arkansas another year. i'm going to get another job. i'm going to make some money. i'm going to move out of my parents' house by the end of the summer. i'm going to be on my own for a while. i think i need that desperately. i think what i need most is a shove into the real world.

i just feel so shitty about myself... i feel like i've become a person i don't even recognize anymore... going from moment to moment seeking pleasure and attention... i just don't feel like a good person anymore at all. i've hurt everyone around me through my selfish ways. i think i need a better grip on myself before i go to art school. i've got lots of growing to do, still.

and also i'm just so intimidated about kcai when it comes to my own artistic skill... i haven't pushed myself creatively in so long... i don't draw as much as i used to at all. i definitely need more time to develop more skill and style and perseverence.

well i'm trying. i'm going to try. try harder. we'll see.